Being Philosophical: Do ants have a heart?

Have you ever seen them crawling? You think so. But I don't think so.

Look carefully, look at their speed relative to their body size. They are not crawling. They are sprinting - sprinting faster than the fastest 100m sprinters we humans have. And, they just keep doing it consistently, for hours on the trot. Look at our sprinters - what happens to them after the 100m - they are panting badly. You ask them to run at that speed for an hour, and they'll have a heart attack due to physical exertion.

Look at all those football players who died because of excessive running. Heart attacks. Why don't ants get heart attacks - even though they keep running around all the time - the answer is simple. Isn't it?


Door ja rahein hain tujhse
Kya karein
Mahabbat ho gai to tujhpe
Bewafaai ka ilzaam lagana padega

The Absence of Fear

The absence of fear can make you weak. Really weak. When you have fear you usually find one or more people you share the fear with. You bond. You have relationships. Strong ones. That's the power of fear.

But the absence of fear! You march into situations where no one has the guts to even stand. You turn back and see that you've lost everyone at some point of time. You are alone. For a superhero being alone and fearless may be a great thing. But for a human, no. Humans need bonds, relationships. And being truly fearless, unless he's celebrated for it, mostly results in him having none. So he's weak. Very weak.


Hamein tumse ye gila to rahega.
Hamari khushi banke,
hamse door kyun chal diye.

Maarna tha to maar hi daalte,
Yun tadapta chod ke kyun chal diye.


Hum khwabon se kyun dare
Unhone kya bigaada hai hamara
Dar to manzilon se lagta hai
Khwabon ke Anjaam se waqif jo karaati hain

I will kill

No. I don't want to kill him. It would be too easy. Too easy for him. And too easy for me.

I want to kill his soul. To reduce him to a vegetative state. His body will stay alive but in great pain. Such great pain that he will crack and his soul will gradually die. A slow painful death. Until he reaches a state where the body is still alive, but there's nothing inside.

And when that happens. The process of my healing shall begin. To see him reduced to an insignificant existence, mocked by all, would bring calm to me.

And then the final stage may be reached - the stage where from a monster, I gradually turn human again. Someone with a heart, and a soul. Someone who can be vulnerable, can feel pain, and can love.

Being 'neutral' doesn't mean you don't take sides. It means you take sides based on merit, free of biases.

Kyun mahabbat hui

Mahabbat ki baarishein
Apni qismat mein kahan

Pade hain hum yahan
Bikhre bikhre se
In boondon ki tarah
Apni jaan se juda
Tanha tanha tanha

Ye halat hui
Mahabbat hui
Khud se poochte hain
Kabhi kabhi kabhi
Shab ko talab hai aag ki,
Shabab ko talaash sharaab ki.
Har shab sajti is duniya mein,
Hamein talaash hai aap ki.
Tanhaiyon ki wafa bhi gazab hai,
Bheed mein bhi saath rehti hain.
Kia raftaar mein dekh jeet,
Ye zamaana ji raha hai.
Zindagi ka safar hi manzil hai Ye bhoolke,
har pal ko fana kar raha hai.
I know you won't come,
However much I cry,
Then why do I,
Constantly try.
Kuch palon ko hi sahi,
Jeene ki koshish karenge,
Mumkin ho na ho,
Apni zindagi ko bhoolne ki koshish karenge.
Khush hain Teri khushi ko dekhke,
Par darte bhi hain...
Hamaari khushi ko dekhkar Teri khushi mein khalish na pad jaaye.
Zindagi un salon se nahi banti jab tum zinda hote ho,
Zindagi to un palon se banti hai jab tum jeete ho.
Zara meri mahabbat ki fitrat to dekh jeet,
Wo apni khushyon ko bhulakar mere gamon pe muskura rahi hai
Jism ko niharne se fursat mile,
toh meri rooh ko bhi dekh le.
Jaanta hai aankhon ki gehraiyon ko,
zara mere aks ko bhi jaan le
Teri beadab aankhein,
Mere ishq ki tauheen karti hain,
Jab bhi muskurane ki guzaarish karta hoon,
Ye baatein sangeen karti hain.

The day you feel my love...

By the time you understand me,
I'll be gone.
I'll die,
And be born,
The day you feel my love,
Hopefully, not long after I'm gone.
If it is true,
That love is blue,
And all I can do,
Is think of you.

Ik adhoori baat

Dil se labon tak pahunchne mein itna waqt laga,
khud hi bhool gaye kya khayal zehen mein tha

"Meri muskurahtein tumse hon, Itni khwaish hai. Tumhari mu... "
Ye na ho ki tere khwabon ko bandishen naseeb hon,
Ye na ho ki ek pyaara sa dil tootne ke kareeb ho
Yun to meri zindagi se koi khwaish na thi,
Yun to meri khudah se bhi kuch farmaish na thi
Jeete the unki yaadon mein
Itna gam tha ki rone ki bhi gunjaaish na thi
Wo hum mein desh dharam dhoondhte rahe,
Hum khud mein khudaai dhoondhthe rahe!
Zamana ab talak anjan hai,
Hamare anjam se.
Dheere bolo ki khabar na feyl jaaye.
Na jaano tum khuda ki khata ko,
Khush ho jab talak bekhabar ho.
Khata meri nahi khudah ki hai,
Dimag bhi banaya usi ne aur dil bhi.
Ek ajab sa ehsaas hai,
Na gam hai, na khushi hai,
Bas kami hai.

Dil mein khali si ik jagah hai,
Koi bharde ye chahat hai.
Mera aks bhool jaye zindagi ke ehsaas ko,
Is se pehle bhulana tha teri yaad ko.

Bhulane ki koshish mein tujhe yaad kar baitha hoon,
Phir un yaadon mein qaid hua baitha hoon.
Sochta hun kabhi kabhi,
Agar wo mulaqaat kuch alag hoto,
To ye zindagi bhi aaj bahut alag hoti.

Towards the end of life

I sat there on the sofa. My left leg folded. The left foot under my right thigh. It helped keep the foot warm in these cold Delhi winters. I was waiting for the tea being prepared by the two ladies in the kitchen. As I sat there I wondered where he was. The sofa where he was always seated was empty. The hand towel always present there, was there in its place, ready to be used.

There was some noise, more like a call, from the room right opposite to where I was sitting. One of the ladies went rushing in to see what happened. It was him. This was weird. It wasn't his room and he is not the kind of person who shuffles rooms a lot. I mean who does. A normal person just lives in that same darn room unless something happens that forces the change.

That change seemed to havw happened. He came out of the room, walking with her support. Here was a person who never took anyone's help - someone who had gone from a pauper to a billionaire totally on his own. And then back to a pauper. Not financially as much, he still owned this 3BHK house in a posh locality. But in terms of relationships, the story was different. As his children absorbed his ambition and set out on the path to achieve big things, they forgot him.

They hadn't seen him take care of his parents. But they didn't realize he didn't have any. Not their children will see them not taking care of their parent. And they don't realize how it would affect them. I'm one of them - the children's children.

As he sat on his sofa which was lying perpendicular to mine, right in front of me. Yeah, its an odd arrangement. But so it is.

He was looking straight ahead. The left side of his face was visible to me. The skin that had become wrinkled with years, 90 years. His eyes, brownish black. His nose, moderate in size and fair, as fair as the rest of his face. His beard, white as snow. His hands, with the tremors they usually had. Pyjamas, blue, had increased in size probably as his gait shrunk.

I saw him when he came. And when he sat down. And now when he was looking straight ahead. But didn't say anything. I was just watching him and wondering  what age had done to him, what it does to all of us. What it will do to me too. And then, for a brief moment I went into a sort of a trance, wondering what I was doing in life, and why. All I had to do was to pass some more time on the planet. And then I'll age and be gone.

I sat there watching and didn't say a word. I didn't even greet him. I had forgotten to. By the time I realized he had already got up and had started slowly walking towards his room. I was taken aback. In less than 5 minutes, he had come back. It seems he assumed, that like his children, he was also dead for me. Another part of him died then, because of me. After all, as social beings, we are but a sum total of all the bonds (deeper than relationships) that we form with those around us. And as those bonds break our soul dies.

Little did he know that I didn't notice him at all. Because the entire time I was watching me, as I am in the future not very far from today. Alive with a dying soul. As the ones I bonded with leave me alone, taking a piece of me away. For ever. Little does he know, that like him, I too am walking. I might be a bit further but I am heading, towards the end of life.

Soul suicide?

Sometimes I wonder why am I doing this. Is it just to convince myself, if things go wrong, that I was right in believing they would? Is it about running away from the responsibility that comes with taking a decision? Is it a fear that things really would go wrong?

I continue to maintain that it is not my decision. I continue to maintain that I'm ambivalent on the matter. It is their decision - they want it. All of them. My mind says go with it - I will not find what I'm looking for anyway, so let everyone else be happy. As long as they are happy atleast I'll have that satisfaction.

But, my soul continues to be detached. The heart doesn't say no. But it refuses to get involved. I guess it doesn't want to be broken. Or I guess she's just not the kind that it can attach to. So if she ever starts desiring the heart, she may be left disappointed. And things may just go wrong. And then there will be the need for a justification. And maybe this is that.

Or, this may be a suicide. A soul suicide. Creepy? Maybe. Maybe some part of me is making sure that the soul gets its freedom. And, probably, the only way is by killing it. By suffocating it. Surround it with those who don't care about it, those who don't even think of it. Maybe they don't even know that it exists.

The soul on the contrary, it seems, wants to live. Maybe it has hope. Or, maybe it knows or can see what the mind can't. But what is it? I know not. The moment I step out and think of it - all I can think of is that everyone around will be happy. Everyone but, perhaps, the ambivalent heart that refuses to speak up!